New Normal

Update: I have been trying to write this post for quite some time. I have wanted to do a post about Wes and Billy but haven't been able to do it. I wanted to write down my thoughts as best I can remember, since after all it was just a blur that didn't seem real. It has been like a nightmare that we will never wake up from. I finally was able to get some thoughts down so I decided to go ahead and post it. I finally finished this post on January 20, 2010, but set the post options for 12/14/09, the day we started searching for the new normal.

God knows the plans he has for our lives. We don't.

Todd, my brother, has worked an hour out of town for most of his adult life. He started a new job, in town, on Monday, December 14, 2009. A day for him that was being met with hopefulness, uncertainty, anxiousness, and new opportunity. As he started settling into his new office he had no idea that he, Heather, Will, and Mary Kathryn's lives were changing in an unimaginable way, a way that no one can truly comprehend.
He did not know, but God did.

Jason works a lot. There are not many days that he just "takes off" but God already knew that I was going to need him at home on the morning of December 14. Jason had been out of town the week before. When he came in on Sunday, he told me that he might take off Monday. When we went to bed he decided to go ahead and set his alarm and wait and decide Monday morning. His alarm went off and he just laid there and we talked just a minute and he said, "you know, what? I am just going to stay home today" He got out of bed and went downstairs and called Boo to let him know.

Rome got up and got in the bed while Jason was downstairs and on his way up, he went into Nash's room and got him. We all 4 just laid in the bed and snuggled. Not knowing that it would be the last times our lives would ever be the same.

God knew, but we didn't.

Our whole family has been forced to find a new normal since Monday, December 14, 2009, at 7:50 am. My 22 month old nephew, Wes, and Heather's daddy, Billy Dixon, were tragically killed in a car accident. Heather's mother, Pam, was also with them and suffered multiple fractures. She is doing better everyday and for that we are all very thankful. She is now recovering at Todd and Heather's.

God knew we were strong enough to get through, but we didn't.

This has been unimaginable and there are no words to really describe how I am feeling. The normal reactions of sadness, hurt, confusion, sleeplessness, disbelief, etc.. have been present since that morning. The first few days were just completely a blur. I had to see a side of my parents that I wish I could erase from my memory, but I can't. The deep sadness is forever etched in my mind.

God knew I would feel this way, but I didn't.

The visitation was Wednesday night, December 16, at our church and there were around 2500 people who came. No one knew what to say and none of us expected anyone to say anything. The act of coming and standing in line for 2 hours said enough.

God knew you would come, we didn't.

Thursday was the funeral and burial. It was something unlike anything I have ever experienced. There is no scrip for a situation like this. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and emotionally get through.

God knew we are going get through, but we didn't.

Our lives are now beginning to move forward, just as Todd's started out that morning - with hopefulness, uncertainty, anxiousness, and new opportunity.

We are all having to find a new normal, just like others who have lost loved ones. The only way that we can carry on is because of our faith in God. As hard as this has been we all have to cling to the fact that God knew the plan, but we didn't.

We know that God is wrapping his arms around Wes and Billy, as well as all of us here. We all have to find our comfort and strength in knowing that we will be with them again someday.

As our lives move forward, there are still going to be many days filled with the same emotions we felt that very first day. We will continue to put one foot in front of the other and try our best to follow the plan that God already knows about.

I hope each and every one of you will hug your family a little longer each day and remember that Wes is now a warrior for Christ. The impact that his 22 month life had on our small town will forever live on in the Kingdom of Heaven. Just like Brother Jim said, Wes and his Daddy Pop are cutting grass in the greenest pastures of heaven now.